Guilt

They throw me off balance, hit me when I least expect them--the twinges of regret, the insecurity about my decisions. The GUILT. If I were a good daughter, I would take care of my mother. I would clear out the office, turn it back into her bedroom. Sacrifice my life to be here for her, no matter the cost. Images surface of managing her medications, overseeing her bathing, making her meals, doing her laundry, being unable to leave her alone for long periods of time. Putting her to bed, cleaning her dentures, repeating every sentence at least twice, sometimes thrice! Twenty-four-seven for who knows how many years. I know plenty of women do it. They make the sacrifice. Give up their lives to take care of their elderly parent.

It wouldn't be pretty in my home though. I wonder what it is really like behind closed doors for those who choose to make the sacrifice. It is crystal clear to me that I would go crazy! Mom would be a wedge in my marriage. Even if I were willing to sacrifice my life to take care of my mother, would it be fair to ask my husband to do it? And don't get me wrong, he is a gentle, loving soul. It's the stress of watching me slowly go crazy that would make it hard for him.

Mom is content at the Wellstone House. She feels good about herself. She is with people all day, every day. She freely gives and gets hugs. She is well taken care of--gets three meals and snacks whenever she wants, is bathed, and has clean clothes. She is liked and loved. It shows in her countenance. It doesn't escape me how endearing she is to me when I'm with her now. How proud I am of her ability to keep herself busy with her crochet hook, her quilling tools, and her pencils and paint brushes.

When the guilt hits and throws me off balance, I entertain it, examine it, and conclude I am taking the best care possible by providing such a wonderful home for her as Alzheimer's slowly steals her from herself and from me. There is an abiding sense of peace within my soul and my heart once again cries out, "Thank you God for leading us to this place."


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Location:Gile Rd,Nottingham,United States